Logan Ury, a behavioural scientist turned dating coach and the author of How to Not Die Alone, says people tend to fall into one of three categories: the romanticiser, chasing a fairytale; the maximiser, with a checklist, always out for the next best match; and the hesitator, who is seeking reasons not to start looking.
Instead, Ury suggests cultivating a “growth mindset”. If you see each date as a learning opportunity, it becomes less decisive.
Apps make it easy to be overprescriptive about a potential partner, but it is impossible to gauge chemistry or compatibility from a profile. If you are curious about someone, meet them.
“We’re so quick to judge,” says the comedian Katerina Robinson, 28. She ended up matched with a long list of tall, bearded project managers (“my type”) before recently having her horizons broadened by a BDSM enthusiast she met through work. “If you don’t keep an open mind, you’ll always end up dating different versions of the same person and never find out what you actually like.”
Arrange a date that you really want to go on. (Posed by models.) Composite: Guardian Design; MediaProduction; LumiNola; Getty Images/iStockphoto
Pre-pandemic, meeting for the first time for a walk or on a video call would have been exceptional; now, all bets are off. Take advantage and arrange a date that you truly want to go on. (For women in particular, being proactive tends to be rewarded, OkCupid data shows.)
You might find dating becomes less daunting and easier to fit in. “Keep a first date short – and weekdays only. tumblr gay hookups Don’t waste your weekend on a stranger,” says Jessica.
Prefer to test for a spark on a phone or video call before meeting in person? Since lockdown, many dating platforms have introduced calling functionality, so you don’t have to give out your number.
Feel yourself – literally and figuratively
Sensuality might not figure into your life as a single person, even if you have a healthy sex life. Kate Moyle, a psychosexual therapist and the host of the podcast The Sexual Wellness Sessions, says it is important not to neglect the importance of touch – if only your own. “Building on the relationship with yourself and your body is not partner-dependent,” she says. “Take time to touch and explore your body, getting to know yourself and what you like – not just in terms of sexual pleasure, but in terms of sensuality and all-over body touch.”
Not only can this help to build your own body confidence, it can support you in communicating with a new partner, says Moyle.
Ury recommends establishing a pre-date ritual, such as calling a supportive friend or playing a favourite song, to help you approach the date “from a place of optimism and possibility”.
Forget flirting – just say hello
According to a 2020 YouGov survey, only one in 20 Britons in their 20s met their current or most recent partner “out and about” – at a gig, bar or bookshop, for example – versus one in five aged 50 to 64.
The fear of embarrassment and rejection makes swiping across screens much more attractive than approaching strangers in public – yet, for many, an old-fashioned “meet cute” remains the gold standard. Also, if we never return to the office full-time, another time-honoured path to romance will be diminished.
Lord says the direct approach is due a comeback: “I’ve been out recently and managed to talk to guys in bars in ways that I thought didn’t exist any more.” She relates it to the pandemic: “Everyone is so desperate for human contact. If you’re feeling a little bit awkward, it’s all right, because everyone is in the same boat.”